Lately, I have been thinking a lot about who am I as a person, and what it is that I want to achieve in this life.
I was watching a movie with my wife yesterday during our Valentines Day chill out, and a line really resonated with me.
“Do you feel my love? For you? My support for you? No! There’s like nothing! I have no pulse!”
When I heard this line delivered, I felt as if I had been struck by lightening; This is exactly the way that I have been feeling lately, like I’m failing to exist…like I have no pulse.
There has to be a way that I can change this narrative that I find myself in, a way that I can feel like I’m alive again, that I can enjoy my life.
Others have told me that it’s my late 30’s, that I may be having the beginning of a midlife crisis…I don’t believe this to be true.
I’m not seeking some physical thing that’s missing, nor some emotional connection to reassure myself that I am still the man I was. I’m not manic, I’m reflective…I truly don’t believe that I am, nor have ever been the person that I am supposed to be.
It’s not a simple change of routine that will cure me of this melancholy, it’s not a change of career, or a year long trip to find myself. This is a fundamental lack of character, I am missing something that everyone else learns at a very early age…a sense of identity.
There are significant changes that I need to make in both my personal life and my professional life. I just wonder if I will be able to follow through with any change that I need to make, if there is no driving sense of self to stoke the fires of motivation.
I am truly lost…I am sure there is a path to follow that will lead me to the answers I am seeking…
I’m just not sure in what direction to take my first step.