The Empty Shell of Me

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about who am I as a person, and what it is that I want to achieve in this life.

I was watching a movie with my wife yesterday during our Valentines Day chill out, and a line really resonated with me.

“Do you feel my love? For you? My support for you? No! There’s like nothing! I have no pulse!”

When I heard this line delivered, I felt as if I had been struck by lightening; This is exactly the way that I have been feeling lately, like I’m failing to exist…like I have no pulse.

There has to be a way that I can change this narrative that I find myself in, a way that I can feel like I’m alive again, that I can enjoy my life.

Others have told me that it’s my late 30’s, that I may be having the beginning of a midlife crisis…I don’t believe this to be true.

I’m not seeking some physical thing that’s missing, nor some emotional connection to reassure myself that I am still the man I was. I’m not manic, I’m reflective…I truly don’t believe that I am, nor have ever been the person that I am supposed to be.

It’s not a simple change of routine that will cure me of this melancholy, it’s not a change of career, or a year long trip to find myself. This is a fundamental lack of character, I am missing something that everyone else learns at a very early age…a sense of identity.

There are significant changes that I need to make in both my personal life and my professional life. I just wonder if I will be able to follow through with any change that I need to make, if there is no driving sense of self to stoke the fires of motivation.

I am truly lost…I am sure there is a path to follow that will lead me to the answers I am seeking…

I’m just not sure in what direction to take my first step.

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Who am I?

A Father? A Husband?

The rest, I am not so sure of.

Is one actually one if they have no identity? Or,

are they then just an empty shell?

 

I adjust to fit whatever form

others require at the time.

Therefore, because I have no frame or substance,

I rarely perform any task well.

 

Am I able to change?

To become more than what I

perceive others perceptions of me to be,

To…become my own person?

 

Or is it too late?

Have I been too long without

direction or purpose?

That now, all I shall ever be

is a life unfulfilled.

Unsatisfied

I am unsatisfied with my life and how I have lived so far.

I had the opportunity when I was younger to do exciting and challenging things. I did not follow these opportunities for one reason or another, mostly because I feared that I would not be accepted or wanted at the places that I was invited to.

Looking back, this is a ridiculous idea. Why would people invite me to these experiences if they did not want to me to be there?

So, I have decided…at 37 years of age, that I will start my life now.

I am going to do all of the things that I have ever dreamt of doing.

There are challenges that need to be overcome.

1st: My Weight – I need to lose the weight to experience some of the things that I want to experience. To start I will do the things that I can and want to do here, both in my city, my province, and my country. Once I have gotten down to a reasonable weight I can then do the more extreme experiences on my list.

2nd: My Wife – she is resistant to doing and experiencing these new things. I will need to be resolved to following through without her if need be, but I am confident that I will be able to convince her to follow me for the most part.

3rd: Money – this is the biggest obstacle that I’m going to need to face, obviously I will still need to pay bills and buy the necessities of life. However, my extra money will be saved and not blown on things like takeout and video games. It’s time that I start living in the real world instead of the digital world.

4th: Myself – I need to get my ADD under control. Without some semblance of focus or self-control I will never be able to achieve these goals. It is with this in mind that I will be seeking out Psychiatric help in order to gain medication and coping strategies in order to manage my shortcomings.

So, it is with this outlook that I begin 2019.

I will be following my heart.

I will not allow myself to look back on the remains of my life as an old man with nothing but regret.

I WILL look back with a sense of pride, accomplishment, and a hell of a lot of awesome memories and friends.

Questions…

Why has obesity become a punch-line in our society?

The looks and whispers, the hidden chuckle behind perfectly manicured fingers. Stifled giggles and sideways glances as I stand in the same line, waiting for the same extra value meal you’ve just ordered. Hypocrisy wafting through the air, thick…like the gravy pooling on your French Fries.

When did my body shape and size become the side-kick in your popular culture? Plump figures projected on screens portraying the friendly, bumbling, foolish cohorts to your heroes. Their real life counterparts labeled and paraded around as “brave and groundbreaking” having overcome so much.

3 months later….

Mr. or Mrs. Plump so and so has lost so much weight you wont even recognize them. Click here to learn the secrets of their success….but remember, you’re perfect just the way you are.

How am I supposed to love myself when even those who are like me and succeeded, are then pressured by society and fame to conform to the “norm”…to change who they are.

Despite how “brave and groundbreaking” they may be?

“I was known as the Fat Model – The girl who was told she was pretty, for a big girl” – Ashley Graham

Sticks and Stones

I sit in Shadows.

Chained by thoughts not of my own creation, barbs speared deep into flesh by words spewed forth from those who I thought to be friends.

Poison pools deep below the surface. Staying fresh, never losing potency, ever eating away at the remains of my identity.

Laughter fills the air silently, replacing what little confidence left, with doubt. These words I once believed could never hurt me, begin to break more than bones.

Names they call me in whispers, under smiles, tear through the last defenses of my shattered mind. Echoing the doubts that gnaw in the pit of my stomach.

I politely excuse myself, forcing a smile, and leave. Hoping to find somewhere alone where the pain and doubt, having filled my body to the brim, can overflow.

I taste the pain, salty and hot, as it runs down my cheeks in streams. Relief comes temporarily and I regain control, I slowly pick up the pieces and rebuild the tattered remains of my self image.

All the while wondering, how long will it hold together.

 

Sticks and Stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt you…unless you believe them. Then they will destroy you. – Charles F. Glassman